If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
You Might Also Like
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???