Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
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A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this