*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀