This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
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As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
i’m sure it’s fine