Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My dad.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd