It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
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Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.