My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
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*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
checking out some reviews of my local library