I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
lol
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.