What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
You Might Also Like
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.