Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
You Might Also Like
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Not helping
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.