This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Every haunted house movie:
Peace was never an option
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.