My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Is this the real life?
Is this just