me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
getting corrected
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Worth remembering.
this is the best day of my life
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*