ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I have questions??
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.