Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.