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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”