Imagine having a party on purpose.
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An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Aaaa…CHOO!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.