[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You鈥檙e not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what鈥檚 that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It鈥檚 Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You鈥檙e a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don鈥檛 look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you鈥檙e bored of this conversation
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
the things my dad sends my mom 馃槶馃槀
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It鈥檚 the lyrics from Despacito.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Apparently drug dealers don鈥檛 take Kohl鈥檚 cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.