I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive