Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
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“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS