I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
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If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…