Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Optional boss fight.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.