me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
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Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!