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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.