I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
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When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.