*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
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one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
this is uni
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.