I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
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When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze