batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult