Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
You Might Also Like
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
I’m giving up for Lent.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.