I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
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Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Damn he played himself
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
#SaturdayBears
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!