Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
#winning
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
handsome & gretel
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Guy who likes music