11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
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I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
im all 3
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT