Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?