I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
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In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Every haunted house movie:
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.