Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Velcrow
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.