Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
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There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one