I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Milk Cube
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“