genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Who knew!
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐