The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism