Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
good let them take over I have had enough
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]