Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man