When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader