Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them