[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.