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I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.