Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
You Might Also Like
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks