When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
You Might Also Like
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
I will never stop laughing at this
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
*limbos away from your hug*