My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
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God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.