If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
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Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge