the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
You Might Also Like
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?